Thursday, December 24, 2009

The key is controlled violence.

Going too far will ruin everything.. she will never become what you want her to be.

Start with your fingers.. they can do a lot more than you think.

Water is your friend. It washes away all the evidence and makes her harder.. more capable of withstanding what is to follow.

Time to move to fists. Dont swing hard, it will hurt you a lot more than you think. Repeated jabs and no two blows at the same place.

Finally, fire... cleansing and pure.

That is how you make a good cake.


Friday, July 17, 2009

I need to say it before its too late..

I always postponed it, reasoning that there was time.. "No sense in upsetting the apple cart right now, people wont be able to understand my feelings."

However, the events that have unfolded in the last few days have forced my hand.

I love Rakhi Sawant.

Yes, you read it right.

I love Rakhi Sawant.

I thought that she was destined to be another failed starlet. Soon she was would be another face in the crowd I would swoop down.

Then came along the swayamvar. A coupla dozen losers have been given a chance at laying their hands on something I have been coveting since Ehsaas: A Feeling was released.

Mika(poor misunderstood Mika) called last night. We have been best friends since 3rd grade. He was inconsolable.

"Aye bhai, tune pappi kyun lene di?"

No one man can have Rakhi. Her beauty along with the uber-sexy accent (Ainjoy, Phun) would drive him crazy. That is why we had an agreement to share her.

Now some dumbass from Rishikesh might get to keep the greatest prize since Mae West.

The only good thing this show has done is prove conclusively that she is truly the archetypal "Bharatiya Naari"(Roll over and die Savita bhabhi fans).

My only hope is that this message reaches Rakhi and the producers offer me a wild card entry into the show... or atleast a "Best of Rakhi" DVD.


Saturday, May 30, 2009

Chi loved himself... infact Id daresay he loved himself more than anyone else.

Chi lived in an apartment in Bandra, alone. He never married, never dated, and actively eschewed any contact with the outside world over and above that was absolutely necessary. Not eccentric, he just couldnt bear the thought of sharing himself with anyone else.

Although most would actively refute this, Chi made an excellent companion for himself. He would spend many an hour admiring himself in the mirror, whispering sweet nothings into his own ear, even sending the occassional sms to his own number.

Things went along smoothly for the first 40 years of Chi's life. On the eve of his birthday, a fever descended upon him. He recovered in a couple of days but this left a gnawing worry in his mind.

Life was ephemeral.. try as he might, he knew he wouldnt be there for himself forever. Sooner or later, he would be left all alone.

The mere thought of life without himself was unbearable for Chi...

On the morning of Feb 21st, Chi kissed himself one last time. Then he jumped.

He died holding the hand of the person he loved. Not a bad way to go..


"Life is bitter, so is chocolate"

Thursday, April 30, 2009

One of the best forwards I have come across in a long long time.


A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe

rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe

my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me

running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The

giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running

with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says,

"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come

running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so

good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and

then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot...

The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your

health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so

good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the

hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,

"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers..... .....

That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours

every time he's high on cocaine!"




Saturday, April 18, 2009

A story inspired by "You know who".

Chi was a bug. On the morning of July 3, he woke up as a human.

Like the millions of bugs around him, he lived a rather bugging life. His ancestral home, a hole under a tree in America housed Chi, Frieda(His wife) and their four thousand kids.

Everything seemed.... different.

"What have you done to yourself? What will become of us now that you have become a disgusting human." cried Frieda.

The elders, a group of 268 bugs summoned Chi to their castle in a bid to resolve the matter. "Are you Chi?" they asked. Chi answered, " Cant you see, has this metamorphosis blinded you to what lies beneath? I have worked with you all, lived with you all!".

Elders - "You are obviously an impostor. Chi was a bug, he is a bug, will always be a bug. You are a human who is trying to take his place. We bugs might be small but we are not stupid. Tell us who you work for and why are you trying to take Chi's place".

Try as he might, the elders refused to believe him. The trial was suspended and he was cast out of the gathering. He trudged back home to a morose Frieda.

"This is all your fault... You never thought about us once before turning into a human"

In anger he looked up to the heavens and cried out, " Why me god? Why play this joke on an insignificant bug?"

A booming voice replied, " Dunno.. I was kinda drunk last night"


Friday, April 03, 2009


We finally got down to completing what we started, a quest to create flavoured cancer-sticks.
After our rather disastrous attempts to flavour tobacco(refer to previous post), we decided to adopt a different paradigm. Rather than flavour tobacco, we got hold of flavoured rolling paper!

A pouch of Golden Virginia stuffed into Jamacian Rum flavoured paper... smelt luverly when unburnt. At times like this I wish that ciggarettes didnt:
  • Cause Cancer
  • Leave you smelly
  • Give you such a fleeting rush
- Till such things happen I shall remain a non-smoker(Also, wannabe teetotaller).

On a different note, my school friends were back in Delhi for a brief chutti (Yay!). Met up at Cocoa, a place at Shitty Wok. Ok place, but the waiters khao more bhaav than a hot chick at an engineering college. Decided to stick to my resolution of no hard drinks, so ordered wine.. well.. who ever got wiped out by wine, right?

A coupla bottles later (Courtesy, well paid corporate honchos/best buddies) we were well on our way to La-La land...

New resolution: Only ice tea.


P.S. Off to Mcleod next week! :)

Monday, March 02, 2009

Its been a rough couple on months, been working night and day to:

  1. Help collect money to marry my six sisters in pomp and grandeur.
  2. Save the local orphanage from the evil builder mafia.
  3. Convince the ameer baap of the akeli beti that main uski aukaad ka hun.
  4. Coach the local woman's volley ball team.. World Cup jo aa raha hai.

Chi has gone for a looooooooooooong vacation, the dude deserved it. However, my blog has been languishing without him so thought id try give it a fillip.

Last weekend was spent pursuing a noble cause... An attempt to add favour to cigarettes.

Well, it came to our notice that none of us had come across chocolate flavoured cigarettes in our 24 odd years of existence. The logical extension of that thread of thought led to an hairbrained attempt to create our own.

The next thing I know, we were on our way to Khari Baoli, the largest wholesale bazaar in Delhi. (FYI: Tis a part of Delhi-6).

Now that we were there, we began our search for flavoured tobacco. Three hours and lots of food later(Courtesy a short detour to Jama Masjid), we gave up. Fatboy was tired, C-dot was hungry and it occurred to us that the benefits were limited as most of us(me included) dont smoke.

  • The Hippie suggested we change tack, look for flavours that could be added to normal tobacco
  • C-dot came up with more lame jokes
  • Fatboy was tired and wanted to sleep, naturellement.
Plan B: Add food essence to the cigarettes (Senile R Us).

Experiment 1: Fatboy being designated as our official test pilot (Scape goat) was given a cigarette which smelt like an orange bar... the result was a coughing fit.

Experiment 2: We tried adding it to the filter instead, our reasoning being that it wouldnt burn and there would still be an some flavour... the result was a gagging sound and some epithets being hurtled at our family members.

Experiment 3: Spilling some essence in Hippie's car to make it smell like Peppermint.

20:00 Hours, IST: You could smell us a mile away, a eclectic combination of Orange, Peppermint, Clove and Sandalwood.

We will probably give it another try next week...


Thought for the day-: "Never slap a man who chews tobacco." - Williard Scott