He lit his pipe after cleaning up the place. The job was immaculate and the least he could do was afford himself this small luxury.

This was the longest job he had undertaken. He wasnt used to working for six straight days but jobs were hard to find these days so when this came up he took it up without any complaints. Now that this was done he could take a day off and spend some quality time with his children.


He had one kid from his first wife and his second one had come with a kid from her previous marriage. Managing kids was never easy but these two were particularly lively, there never was a dull moment when they were around. 

As his wife had to go attend some urgent errands and daycare was closed, he had brought them over to work today. It was against the rules but he just had no other option.

As the day was coming to a close, it was time to find his kids and head back home.

"Hey Adam, Hey Eve.. Time to go!! I better not find you near the apple tree again or I'm grounding you two and taking that snake back to the petting zoo."

And that is how life on Earth came into being.


D

"Honey I'm home"

Chi had come back home after a 6 month long hiatus. He had bagged a lucrative consulting gig on an oil rig off the coast of Nigeria which had kept him cut-off from the rest of the world. To top it off he couldn't even call back home due to company regulations.

Although Frieda was used to seeing him disappear for extended periods, this was the first time he had been out for 6 months. No matter, Chi reasoned. The assignment was a huge success and he could afford to spend a couple of months at home. A lot needed to be done, right from fixing the perpetually jammed bathroom door to getting a new dishwasher. The recession had extracted a huge toll on Chi's family and this assignment was the break he so desperately needed.

Ironically, he had almost missed the flight the day he left for Nigeria. He had overslept and had to rush out while Frieda was still in the shower, something Frieda was sure to harangue him with. Women have an extraordinary memory when it comes to such stuff.

He could hear the shower running and sneaked up to the bedroom to give his wife a surprise.

The room was damp and there was fungus growing on the hardwood floor. Everything else was just the way it was when he left.

She never made it out of the bathroom. The door chose an inopportune time to misbehave.

D

The light flickered.. then died.

Chi was going to be back any minute now. She had to do something.. and fast.

Chi never left her alone for long enough. It was fortuitous that he had run out of nails today and the nearest shop was 30 minutes away.

She had planned it meticulously.

A knife was hidden under the table, just within easy reach. A lighter in her pocket.. just in case.

The dark provided adequate cover. Powercuts were common so Chi wouldnt suspect anything till it was too late.

As if on cue, a car rolled into the driveway. It was time...

At 21:37, on the night of January 5th, Chi entered the room.

"Happy Birthday!", they all screamed in unison.

D

The Great Caste War

Most historians agree that the seeds of the great caste war were sown in 2010 when the government agreed to capture caste data in the ongoing census.

2012
The results paint a startling picture. 70% of India's population is a scheduled caste/tribe or a backward caste.

2014
The 2014 elections lead to a hung parliament. A lackluster economy and a bad monsoon do the incumbent government in. A coalition of smaller parties led by the Left musters the required majority and a new government is sworn in.

2015
Manihar Yadav, the Home Minister declares that the government has raised the reservation cap to 70% to "ensure equality". Students protests erupt all over India but the government refuses to relent.

2016
The Gorits, a prominent caste in MP block all roads and disrupt railway services in an effort to gain SC status. After a set of lengthy negotiations, the government agrees grant Gorits Special SC status and raises the reservation cap to 72%.

Encouraged by the success of the Gortis, dozens of other groups engage in similar tactics to have quotas allocated to them. By the end of the year, the reservation cap has gone up to 80%.

2017
Anirodh Pandey's party wins the assembly elections in Delhi riding on a wave of popularity generated by promises to win concessions for upper castes. He soon begins agitating for special institutions built only for upper castes, also announces his candidature for the upcoming general elections.

With an eye on the looming elections, the government announces that quotas will now be implemented in private enterprises as well. The industry, already battered by a recession, howls in protest.

Jan, 2018
The government starts printing caste on all documents.

March 2018
A dalit woman is killed in Bandra, Mumbai. The city is engulfed in flames as rioting brakes out. Many accuse the government of deliberately allowing rioters to loot upper caste neighborhoods.

Riots spread to other parts of the country. Caste based mobs pillage the countryside, many castes raise their own private armies to protect interests.

May 2018
The great caste war begins.



D

Chi had waited for this day for twenty years.

The train grinded to a halt in Lucknow. "Just three hours late, not bad at all" thought Chi.

The city held memories for him.. bad memories. It was time to finally lay them to rest.

Born and brought up in a small village just outside Orai, he moved to Lucknow with his parents thirty years ago to pursue the Indian dream- Survive, Survive, Survive.

The local boys never accepted him. Wherever he went, he was greeted with jeers and brickbats.

"Your family is from a lower caste, you are destined to be a jamaadaar".

It was time to show those boys how wrong they were. It cost him twenty years of hard work and toil but it was worth it. The jamaadaar was now a king.

He finally reached his old neighbourhood..

No one remembered him, no one cared.

D

Jack saw Jill at a bar, it was love at first sight.

A couple of Jagermeisters later, he finally summoned up the courage to talk to her. She was smart, funny and the only person he had ever met who was also interested in Czech post-modernist art.

They decided to go this lovely place on top of Raising Hill to get a drink.

They were drunk.. it was a blind turn. The truck hit them on the side, sending their car careening off the cliff.

Jack broke 27 bones in his body, doctors refuse to comment on Jill's condition.


And those insensitive ba*tards turned it into a nursery rhyme!



D

Chi loved his white wall.

The purest form of love is that with an inanimate object. Doomed from the start and unmoving till the end, it requires extraordinary persistence.

In an effort to please his wall he showered it with embellishments. Expensive paintings, exotic wall fittings and the best paint money could buy. After all, the wall's happiness was worth more to Chi than all the money in the world.

Chi soon learnt that buying inanimate objects as gifts for another inanimate object wasn't going to work. Optimistic as ever, he switched to lavishing praise and lots of attention his white wall.

On the second day of a very wet August, Chi woke up to find that his wall had turned black. Chi's love had turned its back on him.

Chi wandered the earth for years.. lost and aimless. Just when it seemed that all hope was lost and Chi was doomed to a life alone he met the table, in his eyes the most beautiful table in the world. Sparks flew and Chi's heart felt the stirrings of love.

Stranger things have happened.

D

The key is controlled violence.

Going too far will ruin everything.. she will never become what you want her to be.

Start with your fingers.. they can do a lot more than you think.

Water is your friend. It washes away all the evidence and makes her harder.. more capable of withstanding what is to follow.

Time to move to fists. Dont swing hard, it will hurt you a lot more than you think. Repeated jabs and no two blows at the same place.

Finally, fire... cleansing and pure.

That is how you make a good cake.

D

I need to say it before its too late..

I always postponed it, reasoning that there was time.. "No sense in upsetting the apple cart right now, people wont be able to understand my feelings."

However, the events that have unfolded in the last few days have forced my hand.

I love Rakhi Sawant.

Yes, you read it right.

I love Rakhi Sawant.

I thought that she was destined to be another failed starlet. Soon she was would be another face in the crowd I would swoop down.

Then came along the swayamvar. A coupla dozen losers have been given a chance at laying their hands on something I have been coveting since Ehsaas: A Feeling was released.

Mika(poor misunderstood Mika) called last night. We have been best friends since 3rd grade. He was inconsolable.

"Aye bhai, tune pappi kyun lene di?"

No one man can have Rakhi. Her beauty along with the uber-sexy accent (Ainjoy, Phun) would drive him crazy. That is why we had an agreement to share her.

Now some dumbass from Rishikesh might get to keep the greatest prize since Mae West.

The only good thing this show has done is prove conclusively that she is truly the archetypal "Bharatiya Naari"(Roll over and die Savita bhabhi fans).


My only hope is that this message reaches Rakhi and the producers offer me a wild card entry into the show... or atleast a "Best of Rakhi" DVD.



D

Chi loved himself... infact Id daresay he loved himself more than anyone else.

Chi lived in an apartment in Bandra, alone. He never married, never dated, and actively eschewed any contact with the outside world over and above that was absolutely necessary. Not eccentric, he just couldnt bear the thought of sharing himself with anyone else.

Although most would actively refute this, Chi made an excellent companion for himself. He would spend many an hour admiring himself in the mirror, whispering sweet nothings into his own ear, even sending the occassional sms to his own number.

Things went along smoothly for the first 40 years of Chi's life. On the eve of his birthday, a fever descended upon him. He recovered in a couple of days but this left a gnawing worry in his mind.

Life was ephemeral.. try as he might, he knew he wouldnt be there for himself forever. Sooner or later, he would be left all alone.

The mere thought of life without himself was unbearable for Chi...

On the morning of Feb 21st, Chi kissed himself one last time. Then he jumped.

He died holding the hand of the person he loved. Not a bad way to go..


D

"Life is bitter, so is chocolate"

One of the best forwards I have come across in a long long time.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A little rabbit happily running through the forest stumbles upon a giraffe

rolling a marijuana cigarette. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe

my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come with me

running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The

giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running

with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing opium, so the rabbit again says,

"Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come

running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so

good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, and

then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to take a heroin shot...

The rabbit says "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your

health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so

good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the

hell out of the little rabbit.

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask,

"Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!"

The lion answers..... .....

That little devil makes me run around the forest like an idiot for hours

every time he's high on cocaine!"

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:)

D

A story inspired by "You know who".

Chi was a bug. On the morning of July 3, he woke up as a human.

Like the millions of bugs around him, he lived a rather bugging life. His ancestral home, a hole under a tree in America housed Chi, Frieda(His wife) and their four thousand kids.

Everything seemed.... different.

"What have you done to yourself? What will become of us now that you have become a disgusting human." cried Frieda.

The elders, a group of 268 bugs summoned Chi to their castle in a bid to resolve the matter. "Are you Chi?" they asked. Chi answered, " Cant you see, has this metamorphosis blinded you to what lies beneath? I have worked with you all, lived with you all!".

Elders - "You are obviously an impostor. Chi was a bug, he is a bug, will always be a bug. You are a human who is trying to take his place. We bugs might be small but we are not stupid. Tell us who you work for and why are you trying to take Chi's place".

Try as he might, the elders refused to believe him. The trial was suspended and he was cast out of the gathering. He trudged back home to a morose Frieda.

"This is all your fault... You never thought about us once before turning into a human"

In anger he looked up to the heavens and cried out, " Why me god? Why play this joke on an insignificant bug?"

A booming voice replied, " Dunno.. I was kinda drunk last night"

D

Success!!

We finally got down to completing what we started, a quest to create flavoured cancer-sticks.
After our rather disastrous attempts to flavour tobacco(refer to previous post), we decided to adopt a different paradigm. Rather than flavour tobacco, we got hold of flavoured rolling paper!

A pouch of Golden Virginia stuffed into Jamacian Rum flavoured paper... smelt luverly when unburnt. At times like this I wish that ciggarettes didnt:

• Cause Cancer
• Leave you smelly
• Give you such a fleeting rush

- Till such things happen I shall remain a non-smoker(Also, wannabe teetotaller).

On a different note, my school friends were back in Delhi for a brief chutti (Yay!). Met up at Cocoa, a place at Shitty Wok. Ok place, but the waiters khao more bhaav than a hot chick at an engineering college. Decided to stick to my resolution of no hard drinks, so ordered wine.. well.. who ever got wiped out by wine, right?

A coupla bottles later (Courtesy, well paid corporate honchos/best buddies) we were well on our way to La-La land...

New resolution: Only ice tea.

D

P.S. Off to Mcleod next week! :)

Its been a rough couple on months, been working night and day to:

1. Help collect money to marry my six sisters in pomp and grandeur.
2. Save the local orphanage from the evil builder mafia.
3. Convince the ameer baap of the akeli beti that main uski aukaad ka hun.
4. Coach the local woman's volley ball team.. World Cup jo aa raha hai.

Chi has gone for a looooooooooooong vacation, the dude deserved it. However, my blog has been languishing without him so thought id try give it a fillip.


Last weekend was spent pursuing a noble cause... An attempt to add favour to cigarettes.

Well, it came to our notice that none of us had come across chocolate flavoured cigarettes in our 24 odd years of existence. The logical extension of that thread of thought led to an hairbrained attempt to create our own.

The next thing I know, we were on our way to Khari Baoli, the largest wholesale bazaar in Delhi. (FYI: Tis a part of Delhi-6).

Now that we were there, we began our search for flavoured tobacco. Three hours and lots of food later(Courtesy a short detour to Jama Masjid), we gave up. Fatboy was tired, C-dot was hungry and it occurred to us that the benefits were limited as most of us(me included) dont smoke.

• The Hippie suggested we change tack, look for flavours that could be added to normal tobacco
• C-dot came up with more lame jokes
• Fatboy was tired and wanted to sleep, naturellement.

Plan B: Add food essence to the cigarettes (Senile R Us).

Experiment 1: Fatboy being designated as our official test pilot (Scape goat) was given a cigarette which smelt like an orange bar... the result was a coughing fit.

Experiment 2: We tried adding it to the filter instead, our reasoning being that it wouldnt burn and there would still be an some flavour... the result was a gagging sound and some epithets being hurtled at our family members.

Experiment 3: Spilling some essence in Hippie's car to make it smell like Peppermint.

20:00 Hours, IST: You could smell us a mile away, a eclectic combination of Orange, Peppermint, Clove and Sandalwood.


We will probably give it another try next week...


D

Thought for the day-: "Never slap a man who chews tobacco." - Williard Scott

Chi found a pouch of Golden Virginia and a roll of Rizla in the dressing drawer...

The paper felt smooth, reassuring.
This was madness.. a pernicious decision adding to his already precarious position.
More importantly.. he hadnt rolled in a decade!

He didnt do it for the money. It was the adrenalin rush that drew him to it. To take what wasnt his, it made him feel... alive...

Rolling cigarettes is an art. The trick is to line it on the crease of a paper and then drop it straight on to the roll. That ensures that it isint top heavy or packed too tightly.

He emptied out the cupboard, Although the house was an ode to the rodomontade not much was there.. the owner must be an investment banker.

Chi took his time. Pulling too hard would cause it to burn unevenly.

He tiptoed across the hall. The loud snores emanating from the bedroom drowned out everything else.

The nicotine rush was already kicking in.

He used the stub to start the fire. Not one member of the family survived...

Chi was getting back at the world, one at a time.


D

" Life was good..
But it just got too... boring"

If you were to kill yourself at this very moment, what would be ure suicide note like?

D


P.S. I do not condone suicides. Just the rambling of an idle mind.

I fought the war she fought the beast,
The blood tasted bitter-sweet,
The prize was mine, all mine, all mine,
What greater horror can man define...


D

Twas a fairytale marriage... till about three weeks ago.

It was a mistake... a stupid mistake. A drink too many coupled with the bittersweet realization of turning 40 was a lethal combination. He seemed like a nice guy and a little harmless flirtation never hurt anybody.. She had woken up with a bad headache and the "nice guy" at her side.

It had been three weeks since. Her conscience couldnt handle it anymore.

She turned to Chi... her husband, her friend, her soulmate.
The secret was let out.

Silence ensued.


Chi got out of bed and walked to the balcony in a daze. She followed.

The picturesque morning, juxtaposed against the storm brought forth in her marital life was too much for her to bear.
She shut her eyes and prayed.

After what seemed like eternity a reassuring hand came to rest upon her shoulder.

She had been forgiven.

That was the last thought that passed through her head before she hit the pavement


D

A million fought,
Two survived,
Then they sparred,
One died,
Left alone,
He committed suicide..

D

Twas a moonless night.... the rain too was relentless...

Chi hadnt passed any other car for over an hour.

She swam into view... a mosaic of green and red.

A woman covered in blood lay on the road. Her shawl , green when she bought it had been ripped to shreds. The car, an ancient 800 screeched to a stop, a haunting melody of Morrison emanating out of the radio adding to the melancholy.

One look at the travelbag lying beside her told Chi a lot, Classic Vuitton... she had come from money, the fact that it was still there meant that this was an accident.

Her car, what remained of it confirmed his conjecture. A spanking new Mercedes with its front end plowed into an old oak.

She had lost a lot of blood, immediate medical help was needed.

The lady as if on cue opened her eyes and mouthed a silent plea for help... seemed like the lord had heard her prayer.. an angel had arrived.

Chi bent beside her and helped her sit up. He unstrapped her pendant, pulled off her bracelet, grabbed the travel bag and jogged back to his car.

There she lay, all alone.. the silence broken only by the sob of a dying woman and the pitter patter of rain..


D